Suffering from depression modifies the way you feel about life, the way you think and act, how you perceive your surroundings; you second guess your decisions and often lack the energy to move forward – or move at all. Paralyzed by your own feelings. Every direction is backwards, no matter the logic. How stupid can you be? You’re making these mistakes again you idiot? Why do you think it could ever be different? You’ll be dead soon, and everyone can’t wait. It’s easier, when your tension is at its height, to do nothing. Recoil and stew. Sit and wait. Still. Hope. Cry. Whatever. But that stillness is the rub, the crutch, the trick, the trap. And that is the saddest part. Your depression keeps you in check, keeps you docile, lowers your ambition and snares you in your seat. You find whatever little comfort you can in that quiet – but it’s a lie, a ruse to hold you back, to keep you suffering. Like a cocoon of ignorance. That’s what it wants. It wants you trapped. You got nothing but time on your hands to pay attention to just what a pathetic loser you really are. God damn, are you still here? Fucking die already. But ah ha! I am on to you depression, you wily bastard, I got your game. I suck at it, but I know what you’re up to. You feel like a ghost of yourself, at the behest of this mental illness, this fogged mind, this ragged soul, these painful thoughts. But you are not a ghost, no you loser, you’re still here, don’t forget you’re still here, damn right we are! You know why? Because we’re not ghosts, we’re sharks. And sharks keep moving or they die, and we don’t stop moving, do we buddy, no! We keep moving and pushing and one of these days one of these directions will be forward – we can’t see that yet, what with depression blocking our compass, but we will, and we can and its all a matter of time – and a matter of perspective. And we need to get as far away from that couch cushion as we can to gain that perspective, clear the fog of war from our lens and wipe free the tears from our eyes. No more Netflix and decay. Seize the day! Get out, get going, keep moving, don’t stop, don’t hold back, get off the chain, unleash, be who you want to be, who you really are – not who you hate yourself for being. Some days… Are better than others. Just keep moving… You gotta keep moving…
One Reply to “The Daily Depression I”
How do you feel about the people who speak so openly about depression? Those who post on Facebook or other social media that they’ve been diagnosed and are now suffering? I often think that I’d like to be more open with the world, whatever my shortcomings or afflictions, if it wasn’t for the fact that some of those who post make it all about them and that suddenly the illness or the affliction is the defining point of the world because THEY suffer from it. I think social media has made it more acceptable for people to talk about their feelings, and this is a good thing because it helps prevent things like male suicide, but I still think that there are people who openly seek attention and use things like biopolar and depression to manipulate their social standings and try and bring attention to themselves. And for those of us left who want to be honest and speak truthfully and from the heart, it feels like “well, everyone else is doing this, so why bother shouting amongst the noise”
I’d be eager to hear your thoughts.