Sight unseen

Sometimes we can be so blind. How we don’t see clearly is still beyond me. I kind of know where I might have made mistakes, where I have fooled myself somehow, but I don’t fully understand how it came to pass. I have a working knowledge of the world, of my life, of others, but somehow I still failed to see everything before me. Intentional reflection is hard to come by. It is more something that sneaks up on you when you – if you – come to learn the error of your ways. When you realize your lack of vision. Foresight, whatever. Post-sight even. Was I so transparent that I was the only one who couldn’t see what I was doing? Motivation in megalomania. A self-inflicted Sadomasochistic life? I don’t know, I had my eyes closed then I think. The past lies behind me, littered with figurative breadcrumbs of mistakes made, paths not taken and scenes unseen. How was I so blind? Memories marred by fact. Everything I did, I did for you, I thought, everything I did may have been for myself, I don’t know. I am trying to sort through the past, but my eyes are clouding up again, it is so hard to see from your point of view. For once I was blind but now I hope I can see in the future. Maybe I did make some mistakes, maybe you didn’t hurt me. Maybe I hurt myself. I don’t know, I can’t recall the specifics, but I know you looked damn good doing it, I remember how imposing you looked, forcing everything, your way. Was it my way? I don’t know. Do I even have a way? It’s hard to tell what you know or feel when you can’t look at yourself in the mirror. So transparent. So blind. If I could see what you see maybe I’d understand, maybe I’d feel worse about what you feel bad about. But it is so easy to look at you and blame you for everything. Whatever you say, I can hear your words, but I can’t see your face. What’s your view on it? I didn’t do anything. You don’t know what you’re saying because you can’t see all the facts. You can’t see things from my perspective! That’s your problem. That’s everyone’s problem. This is my point of view: if blind people just thought they could see, then they would, its all a state of mind! And you just don’t understand my state of mind, you can’t understand it because you won’t look at things through my eyes. You can’t, you won’t. You’re too blind. I know the truth, I can see it clearly. I am right, again.

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