I am the dark man. The blank man. The man filled with pain and suffering. I am the man overflowing with misery. It wasn’t always like this. But I’m tapped out. My brain is like a well run dry of pleasure. Happiness. Comfort and joy. I am the empty man. Everyone wants the happy ones. But no one will take the bad. Dealers won’t even purge em for free.
That’s how I got into this game. I wanted to forget something. But I was strapped. So I sold off some of my childhood, to sleep easy at night… And I did for a while… Just when I thought about my mom – there were gaps… Around my past. Was just holes in my brains patchwork.
When I hit hard times and had nothing left to sell to survive – I turned back to the dealer on Elm. Now there’s nothing left inside me but darkness. Each bad memory linked together with tedium and holes.
I try to meet girls in bars and stuff so I can fuck them.
I get 350 for a fresh sex memory.
It’s not working.
The darkness inside drips through the gaps and fills my brain with misery, taking hold of my very being and twisting and contorting me into this walking shamble of hurt. This former man. This blank man. The empty man. The man who has sold his body for food and his mind for rent. I don’t have any happiness left to hold on to. The next time something makes me happy, I wont remember – because it will be sold. I’ll just know I have money in my pocket and I can live another night.
So many holes in my life.
I put the gun to my mouth.
And make another hole in my face.